BEC初级作文指导1_BEC初级

    网友一:
    memorandum
    from : tom to : all staff
    date : 25/8
    because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 auguest, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day, i ask for you prepare alternative work for the day. and the work don't use computer system .
    i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident.
    tom
    名师修改意见: 
    business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构,看起来不够专业,改为:as we plan to upgrade.....
    有中式的痕迹:我要求你们。。。。改为:please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
    这不能算作accident, 既然已经好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
    网友作文二:
    from: office manager
    to: all staff
    subject: the company system
    i would like to notify you that the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this tuesday for a whole day long on account of the system needs a upgrade.therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day.
    thank you.
    名师修改意见: 
    去掉这个开头,直接用被动语态开头。
    去掉,多余了。
    如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚,那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
    这句话看起来非常不清楚,主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成:please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
    另换一行